Life Update – MIA & Introducing #BeeIllustrates

Have you ever felt like you’re doing everything half as well as you could?

Because that’s how I’ve been feeling over the last few months. I’ve been feeling uninspired, unmotivated and a bit of a failure.

The best metaphor I can think of is this: I am a dungbeetle *bare with me, I’m not a lunatic*. I’m desperately trying to get my 💩 together and I keep getting knocked down. But, in the fine words of Chumbawamba, when you get knocked down, you get back up again. Which leads me to what I would like to talk about today.

I love sharing my life on here and I think of it as a digital diary, so it feels right to document how I’m feeling right now, in this moment. But I’m also very conscious that nobody wants to read a chunk of text written by a negative Nelly.

Big Ass Mother Trucking Disclaimer:

I am currently right in the middle of trying to work out which direction my life is heading and which way I want it to go. So by no means am I an expert, I’m more of an amateur-adult, which basically means I google anything I don’t know (turns out corn on the cob does not turn into popcorn in the microwave… it’s a different type of maze… according to Google). I’m like a cat, I do what I want, come and go as I please, but at the end of the day people still take care of me (LOL thanks Mum).

There are plenty of self help and advice books out there written by people who have overcome these life hiccups but sometimes it’s nice to hear from people who are still in the process of getting their crap together. I like to think people read my content and relate to it, maybe even think “me too” as they read it.

So here is a blog written by a dungbeetle (and not a negative Nelly).

Gotta love a bit of Patrick Swayze, I feel that this is a fitting title to start with.

Over the last few months I have really struggled with feeling that I am not good enough. This is simply because I have had the pleasure (LOL not) of being in the company of someone who tells me I am inadequate daily.

No matter how resilient a person you are, if you are told you are *insert weakness/insecurity/maybe-even-stength* enough, you can end up believing it. That’s what was happening to me.

I consider myself a strong person, especially when it comes to confidence in myself. I know I am a good person, I am kind and a hard worker. I also know that this person has no reason to dislike me and make me feel inadequate. But more importantly, they have no RIGHT to make me feel that my best isn’t good enough.

Without droning on about an absolute muppet any longer, here is what I have learnt while dealing with this over the last year ish.

Firstly, not everyone will like you and that’s OK. If you haven’t done anything to warrant that dislike, it’s simply not your problem – it’s theirs.

Secondly, surround yourself with people who love you and ADD to your life. This is the best bit of advice I can give if you’re ever feeling the way I felt/feel. If I didn’t have my family, partner or friends reminding me that my best IS enough and that I am worthy of more – I think it could have had a lot more of an impact on my mindset.

Another aspect of my life that I have struggled with is adjusting to post-graduation life.

I don’t like the term ‘entitled’, but I can’t think of any other word to describe how I came out of University. It was entitlement in its most innocent form. For years I was told that my hard work and qualifications would help land me a job. I was told it was all about grades and hard work. That’s just not how it worked out for me. In case you’re new here (sup) I came out of Uni, got a job I really wanted (in cosmetic marketing) and then got made redundant after 6 weeks. Then I got my new job.

I just felt as if my plan fell apart straight after Uni and, as I’d never really experienced it before, it derailed me a little bit. It was completely out of my control. I felt like I was failing because I wasn’t achieving anything. I had these mental deadlines to meet, for example I wanted to become chartered as quickly as I could and get the qualifications at night school within a year of graduating. I set myself goals that were hard to achieve and when I wasn’t seeing the progress I wanted to see, I saw failure in it’s place.

The lesson here is that life is not a shopping list. You can’t always just tick things off, not everything goes to plan. And that’s OK. I think I’ve always been so used to having a plan in place that not having one sort of scared me. When you’re at school, you have sixth form next, then after that, for me, it was University. I had a rigid plan for the first 21 years of my life and then nothing. It can be daunting. But that’s OK because some of the most amazing, wonderful things ever to happen to me have not been part of the plan. I’m just trying to go with the flow more now.

I realised that I needed to attain this sense of achievement in other ways – outside of my career, which has taken off to a rocky start. I bought myself an iPad which was a huge investment for me, but I didn’t have a credit rating and this was one of the best ways to get one (heads up, there are some great 0% interest credit cards out there for new-graduates). I’ve always loved doodling, I did art at college and I’m a creative person – the iPad allows me to express myself in different ways. I find it super relaxing and I feel like I’m doing something for myself. I’m not suggesting you go and spend a grand on an ipad to make yourself feel better, but if you find yourself in a rut, do something you love. Put a stop to the feeling pants and force yourself to do something you KNOW you enjoy. Maybe it’s something you make excuses for not doing more often. Read a book, go to the gym, do yoga, doodle more – whatever it is, if it makes you happy just do it.

Main points to take away from this?

  • Everyone has their fair share of crap – it’s how you deal with it that defines you
  • Your best is ALWAYS enough
  • Being an adult can be HARD
  • Not everyone will like you – and that’s OK
  • Surround yourself with people who ADD to your life
  • Life isn’t a shopping list – you gotta just roll with the punches sometimes
  • Finally, you deserve RESPECT. Always.

Bee xoxo

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