I don’t have a plan

Hi, hello, hey.

I am a (shaking) caffeine fuelled, burger flavoured crisp hoover (my opinion: a little too gherkin-y for me… but I ate them anyway) who is desperately dung beetling (gathering ones 💩 together).

I feel sick and on edge all the time and I think it’s because I don’t have a plan.

I didn’t even realise how much I liked having a plan… until I didn’t have one.

I don’t have a job and I feel really crappy about it today.

I’m sharing this because:

a) other people might be feeling the same, maybe life is seeming a little grey

and

b) I’m hoping it’s therapeutic for me to write about it. Maybe I’ll look back on this when I have a job and think pfft why was I worrying now I have to work til I’m 70.

Who knows. But I’m just going to be honest.

Why I feel pants:

  • I feel bitter. I loved my job and now it feels like all the great opportunities have been gobbled up over the summer.
  • I feel like I messed up. Even though I actually had no part to play in it, I just can’t shake off the sense of failure, especially today.
  • I am worried I won’t get a job.
  • I am back to square one on the job hunt.

Last Week and the ‘gut feeling’:

I got through to the second rounds of interviews for two jobs last week and withdrew my applications. They were both for Sales Marketing, which I thought would be similar to the Marketing I have experienced. But it wasn’t and I just wasn’t passionate about it. 

I experienced a ‘gut feeling’ for the first time in forever. I just knew I wouldn’t enjoy the job and I came home a hot mess. I felt guilty for wasting their time and guilty that I didn’t love the job. I just want to find something I can really get stuck into.

Basically, I know that accepting a job just because I’m panicking about money is not what’s best for me in the long run.

What my rational self knows:

  1. Success never comes easy. The hurdles life throw at you just make you stronger.
  2. Usually we do have a plan… just not one set in stone. You probably know what you want and don’t want out of life. Just don’t quite know the exact path you’re taking. (I love the phrase: life is a story, not an event… some things take time)
  3. Plans are overrated. How many times has a plan actually worked out exactly as you planned it? Example: I got a Grad Job and got made redundant- most definitely not part of my plan.

When it rains, look for rainbows. That’s what I am trying my best to do today (can I excuse my burger flavoured crisp devouring by claiming I thought they were the rainbow on the rainy day?).

xox

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